Muddy Waters
by Darkshines1984
Summary: Charity opens-up to Vanessa about her past. Prompt by @hysth on tumblr (I decided to just got for a conversation about Charity's past rather than trying to guess at her 'trauma' but I hope it fits the bill)


Fandom: Emmerdale

Pairing: Charity & Vanessa

Rating: PG-13

Disclaimer: Not mine, obvs.

Summary: Prompt by **hysth** on tumblr (I decided to just got for a conversation about Charity's past rather than trying to guess at her 'trauma' but I hope it fits the bill)

Charity opens-up to Vanessa about her past.

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Vanessa rounded the bar of the Woolpack, passing Chas who was pulling a pint, and headed into the back. Charity wasn't expecting her this evening, but she doubted her girlfriend would mind her just showing up. They had barely spent a night apart in weeks, not since the ketamine had been swiped by Gabby and Liv. They certainly hadn't spent two nights on a row apart. Tonight, would have been the first time in three weeks but now that wouldn't be the case.

Vanessa stood in the open doorway of the Woolpacks open plan kitchen and sitting room (there was another living room next door). Her girlfriend was sat at the dining table with a glass of what looked like Gin and tonic in one hand and a pen in the other. She was pouring over a crossword, her brow creased in concentration.

"What's the clue?" Ness caught her girlfriend's attention.

Charity looked up in surprise before greeting her with a broad smile. The taller blonde dropped the pen on the table and stood up, making her way over to Vanessa with a confident swagger. She was wearing the plain black shirt with the zip down the front. It was one of Vanessa's favourites, especially because it reminded her of their first night together.

"Missed me already?" the taller woman asked as she came to a halt in front of Vanessa.

Charity reached out and cupped her cheek, drawing her forward and into a soft and sweet kiss. Vanessa grasped her girlfriend's upper arms to hold her there, sinking into the contact. The tenderness in the action was almost at odds with the cocky way in which Charity had greeted her. That was Charity all over though, she had a tough outer layer but then was capable of being so gentle and affectionate. The landlady had been amazing in Vanessa's time of need and had managed to say all the right things. She'd somehow known when to hold Vanessa close and when to give her some space; when Vanessa needed consoling and when she needed cheering up.

"Tracy offered to mind Johnny, so we could have some alone time" Vanessa explained as they pulled apart slightly.

She had been expecting to spend the night in hers, drinking wine with her half-sister, in an attempt to lift both their moods. So, when Tracy had shuffled her out the door she had protested at first, worried that she had given of some sort of vibe that suggested she would rather be elsewhere. However, after realising that Tracy was staring at her imploringly, she had understood that the other woman just wanted some time alone. Johnny would be in bed in an hour and then Tracy would have the living room to herself.

"I take her you didn't tell her about what we got up to at lunch time then?" Charity chuckled.

The taller blonde had text earlier in the day suggested they meet for lunch at Vanessa's. When she had been working, well properly working as a vet and not a bloody receptionist, she'd have been too busy to take an hour lunch. Today she jumped at the chance to get away for a bit and had practically jumped Charity as soon as they had got inside the front door.

"Oh no I did, it just made her more convinced that I should come over!" Vanessa chuckled.

She had spared Tracy the details; hadn't thought her half-sister would want the mental image of them having a sixty-nine on the carpet in front of the sofa. If she told Tracy some of the things they had gotten up to on the kitchen worksurface then her half-sister would probably never eat at her house again.

"I like your sister" Charity chuckled in response.

"She likes you too which is no surprise considering how supportive you have been" Vanessa replied.

Tracy had started warming to Charity before the mess with Phil happened. Her half-sister found the landlady amusing, especially when she had sung all by myself at Cain when he was miserable over Moira. The fact that Charity had gone through similar experiences in her past and had been able to offer solid advice and a dose of realism had made them quite chummy.

The taller woman moved away towards the kitchen area, picking up her expensive bottle of gin to pour Vanessa a drink. Vanessa took a seat on the sofa and waited for Charity to return.

"How is she?" Charity asked.

It was a loaded question because in truth Vanessa wasn't one hundred percent sure. Although Tracy would open-up and talk about what was happening there was always a measure of control maintained. A wall to protect herself and shut others out.

The landlady finished pouring her a generous gin and tonic and carried the drink and Charity's own half full glass over to the sofa. She waited for Charity to sit down next to her and handover the drink before answering.

"I think she just wanted some time to herself" Vanessa sighed. "Those messages have really got to her and now she has reported them... well she just seems to have to continuously explain it all again and again."

Charity nodded her head as she listened intently to Vanessa. There was an odd look in her girlfriend's eyes. They were a vibrant green but there was also a haunted look in them, she saw it every time they discussed Tracy and Phil. It reminded Vanessa yet again that her girlfriend was able to understand her half-sister's predicament a lot better than she could.

"It's not like I can give her any useful advice" Vanessa conceded, "I suppose I'm just as sheltered as David."

Charity's eyes had drifted to the glass in her hand, but they snapped back up to Vanessa's at the mention of David's name. The taller blonde shook her head and smiled softly at Vanessa, the kind of smile that made her feel like her insides were melting.

"The difference is babe, that unlike David you are understanding, supportive and non-judgemental" Charity assured her.

Vanessa hoped so. Some of what Tracy had said had shocked her for sure but the past was the past. Everyone has things or decisions they regret and whenever possible she believed people should move on and leave the past where it belonged. She had wanted to be supportive and had certainly tried to be.

Vanessa took a long swig of her drink before turning to glance at her girlfriend. Charity was sat motionless next to her, gazing down at her drink again. Sometimes her girlfriend did that when she was unsure or nervous, focussed on whatever was in her hands or picked something up to fiddle with. This seemed different from other times though...Charity looked distant and thoughtful. Her brow was deeply furrowed, even more so then when she had been stuck on the crossword clue.

"You okay?" Vanessa asked.

Charity glanced up at her again and smiled but this time it didn't reach her eyes. It worried Vanessa and she leant forward, putting her glass down on the floor against the sofa so she could give Charity her full attention. Her girlfriend took a large swig of her own drink before answering.

"It just brings back some unwanted memories" the other woman admitted.

Charity's gaze was firmly fixed on her own now empty glass. Vanessa new the other woman well enough to know she had to approach this situation carefully or she'd spook Charity. So, Vanessa simply reached out and placed her hand on her girlfriend's knee, in a silent show of comfort and support.

"I was younger than Tracy when I first…" Charity paused, choking on her words.

Vanessa lightly stroked her hand across the taller woman's knee. Charity's eyes remained trained on her glass but her free hand came to grip the hand that Vanessa was offering comfort with. They interlocked fingers, Charity squeezing a little tighter than was comfortable. The landlady took a deep steadying breath before continuing.

"I'd just had to give up Debbie, my parents had flung me out and Cain was gone. I was thirteen, I was homeless, and I had nothing. Someone had told me that it was easy money and I thought…I thought I would rather starve. Thing is…when you actually are starving and freezing cold…well you realise that nothing could feel worse than that."

Vanessa was utterly silent as she listened to her girlfriend speak. She knew a little about Charity's past, but they had been vague details, mainly passed on by rumour and idle gossip. She'd known about the prostitution, who didn't...but god she had not realised how young Charity had been when forced into it. It made her feel sick to the stomach; sick that Charity had gone through that, sick at the men who had treated her that way, sick that nothing could those experiences back or remove the hurt they had caused.

"Self-respect doesn't keep you alive" her girlfriend added, with a note of bitterness in her voice.

Vanessa felt her stomach lurch again. Charity had a brash and confident front, but Vanessa had come to understand on the night they had been locked in the cellar together that it was mostly a front. Beneath it all, Vanessa had seen a vulnerability in Charity and a degree of self-loathing. That negativity was apparent in her tone now. Vanessa wanted so badly to be able to say the right words to take all that anger and pain away. They didn't exist. Or if they did she didn't have the faintest clue what they were. Instead she offered her girlfriend an escape route from the conversation if she needed it.

"Charity you don't have to talk about this if you don't want to" she assured the other woman.

Charity gave her a cautious look; like she wasn't quite sure how to interpret Vanessa's words. The taller woman had been close to tears ever since she had started talking about her past, her eyes glassy and impossibly green. Vanessa had never seen anyone with eyes that colour green before. Somehow, even when sad, Charity looked stunning.

"Sorry I'm making this all very weird and uncomfortable" Charity cringed.

Vanessa quickly realised that her girlfriend was reading into her words and then her silence incorrectly. She was concerned and thoughtful, Charity was fearful that she was disgusted. Vanessa didn't want to know how many times people had reacted badly about the other woman's past, used it has a weapon with sharp words or had thrown it back in Charity's face. Not her though; she would never do that. No doubt she would say the wrong things at some point...but never that.

"No Charity that's not…" Vanessa tried to assure her girlfriend, stumbling over her words as she spoke.

"I want you to feel like you can tell me anything…I just wanted to make sure you didn't feel you were obliged in some way to tell me. I'd never pressure you into anything."

Charity had been slowly twisting the empty glass around in her hand as Vanessa spoke. She could tell that Charity was listening intently to her though because as soon as she finished her girlfriend looked up at her and nodded.

"I know" the taller woman smiled.

There was a sad vibe rippling off Charity in waves. She had gone back to a place in her head which was dark, and Vanessa wasn't sure how to draw her backout of it. She only knew what she needed in that moment but was worried it was a smidge selfish. On the other hand, it could offer them both a bit of comfort. She reached out and took the empty glass from Charity's hands and placed both glasses down on the floor by the sofa. Her girlfriend's eyes followed the motion before flicking back to Vanessa again.

"Can I hug you?" Ness asked.

Charity's left eyebrow crept up, adding some mirth into her previous downcast expression. She hadn't been planning on amusing her girlfriend, but she'd happily take it as an outcome.

"I might cry babe" Charity chuckled.

That was the sort of reaction Vanessa would have to being hugged when she was bordering on tears. After her suspension she had actively avoided coming into physical contact with her girlfriend until they were alone. Then she had drunkenly (and very unattractively) whinged into Charity's shoulder for over twenty minutes. The fact Charity had still stayed the night rather than running off back to the safety of the Woolpack had been evidence of how far their relationship had come. Especially as Vanessa was such a mess that she wouldn't have blamed the other woman for skipping out on her.

"I know...that's why...I didn't want to just grab you and..." she stumbled over her words again.

Ness wasn't quite sure what she wanted to express, and her stuttering just made the taller woman chuckle more.

"...and consent is sexy?" Charity suggested.

Vanessa rolled her eyes at her girlfriend but couldn't hide her own smile. She was starting to give up on her requested hug when Charity suddenly shifted. The taller woman shuffled closer to her, before pulling Vanessa down onto the sofa with her so they were both reclining. It took a little bit of shuffling until they were comfortable but eventually Vanessa ended up on her back, head resting against the arm of the sofa, with Charity on her side and wedged between Vanessa and the back of the sofa. Charity tucked her head into the crook of Vanessa's neck and flung her arm over the shorter woman's midriff. It was a far comfier position to be in on this sofa than the one at Tug Ghyll. Not that they hadn't found themselves in this exact position on Vanessa's sofa...sans clothing.

"When I was on the streets I thought that happiness would be the complete opposite of what I had then. It would be a big house, loads of money, expensive clothes, nice things and a flash car. I spent years looking for that...doing and trying anything to get it."

Vanessa hadn't expected Charity to turn serious again. She certainly hadn't expected a discourse about happiness and what that did or did not imply about their current relationship. She listened intently though, hands gently gliding across her girlfriend's shoulder and hair as she spoke.

"And now?" Vanessa asked.

She knew that everyone still expected that of Charity...that she would chase the next person who entered the village with a substantial bank balance. Probably, in some of her more insecure moments, Ness still feared that too. When she had realised she was likely to have a negative decision from the RCVS the idea that she may inevitably loose Charity too had terrified her. Yet, Charity had stayed. Charity had said that she wasn't going anywhere. More importantly, Vanessa believed her.

"Simple things make people happy" the other woman mumbled into her neck.

Vanessa wondered if they both had the same definition as each other. Simple for her was a roof over her head, a secure job (or at least it was), her family, her son...each other? She felt like Charity was a part of that happy set up now.

"Am I simple?" Vanessa asked, trying to keep any hint of nerves out of her voice.

Charity lifted her head to look at her and smiled wickedly. It was only when Vanessa saw her expression that she realised she could have worded her question better.

"Is that a trick question babe?" Charity laughed.

Vanessa rolled her eyes again and nudged her girlfriend's shoulder with the palm of her hand. It was a half-hearted reprimand though as it was so very Charity to find a humorous way out of a serious question. The truth was that Vanessa loved all of the other woman, even the defence mechanisms. So, it was hard to truly be angry at Charity for anything, even fleetingly.

"I am here aren't I?" her girlfriend stated a little more seriously.

"It's your house!" Vanessa exclaimed.

The sentiment would have worked better at Tug Ghyll for sure, but she knew what Charity meant. She was only teasing her really. The taller woman was happy to poke and prod at her and sometimes it was fun to turn the tables.

"Shut up babe" her girlfriend responded good naturedly, her green eyes now bright with humour and not the earlier restrained tears.

Vanessa smiled to herself as Charity tucked her head back into the crook of Vanessa neck and placed a soft kiss on her pulse point. The fact that Charity was happy to spend time just curled up like this was proof enough that she was content and opening up to Ness. Once upon a time she'd have turned up at the Woolpack and been taken straight upstairs for some bedroom gymnastics. All this cuddling and talking would have been completely off the table. Now they seemed to spend as much time, if not more, just enjoying being close to each other.

They had spent months in muddy waters, firstly when they just randomly hooked up when the mood took Charity. Then Vanessa had pushed back, and it had developed into something more mutual but without commitment. It was only after Charity had chased her to the gay bar that the waters had cleared. The landlady had been kind, caring...loving. Yes, they still didn't always verbally communicate feelings well and Vanessa wanted them to spend more family time together. It felt like that could all come for them though. That future was more important than anything Charity could tell her about the past.


End file.
